This is the first blog I'm putting out into this will-anyone-really-read-it universe of Blog Land. Let's begin with how I got here. I began my "weight-loss journey" (what a term!) in the Spring of 2007, when I had moments of deafening clarity upon seeing pictures of myself like these:
I could no longer confidently (or happily) look at pictures of myself without feeling like the large-and-in-charge figure who took up more than half the frame. If you look, you can see my poor friends trying to wrap their arms around me. Unless it was a well thought out shot taken by myself at an extremely flattering and misleading angle, I wanted nothing to do with pictures of myself. This was bad news. It became clear to me that I was not taking care of myself, and as a result of it I had become a 21 year old woman who weighed 265lbs, was unhappy and ashamed of herself, and was teetering on needing to wear a 3x and a 24 size jean.
So I began going to the gym every now and then with my mother (who had, at the time, awesomely lost about 60 lbs and was doing water aerobics) and counting my calories, staying in and around 1500-1700 calories a day. This seemed to work for me, and as the pounds atarted to slowly come off, I became more and more motivated. I joined the gym (bless my father's heart and wallet) and by the time summer came around I had managed to lose almost 40 lbs.
I felt skinny!
I felt great!
My excitement over seeing the 220's on the scale was only slightly deterred by the fact that at that weight, people still didn't seem to notice much.
Uncle: Has Becky lost some weight?
Grandma: Yes, about 40lbs.
Grandma: Yes, about 40lbs.
Uncle: 40 pounds?!
Big is big, I suppose.
Never fear! I continued on in my quest for weight loss throughout the rest of the summer and into the fall, and by Thanksgiving I was yo-yoing around 210-215, had lost 50 lbs (!!), and I looked like this:
I felt confident and in control, and people were telling me how great I looked. Around that time, however, due to a cramped bathroom stall, an awkward angle, and a weak back muscle, I ended up with a back injury that kept me from exercising (flat on my back in pain) and had me feeling sorry for myself (which, alas, lead to me attempting to comfort myself and my sore back with the delicious leftover pies and Christmas cookies that were coming my way). After New Years I hopped back onto the exercise/eating (semi) right bandwagon, and even began to see ONEderland (as the enthusiasts on my-calorie-counter.com referred to the under-200 lbs point) in my near future , as I got down to (if memory serves) 202 lbs.
Then, just as I was about to hoist myself over the 200 lb mark, I fell in love. It's true! And this time it wasn't some sadistic attachment to a not-nearly-good-enough-or-worth-my-tears fella, but with a wonderfully kind and bearded man. I was happy! We celebrated everyday! Atleast, that's what it felt like, which lead to eating, drinking, and being merry. Almost a year later, when my toes touched back down to Earth, I had gained 30 lbs, and was wearing "comfy pants" all too often (because if you don't try a pair of jeans on - they can't not fit!) and noticed an upsurge in my dislike for clothes, photographs of myself, and ultimately, my body.
sigh.
BIG sigh.
But if there's one thing I learned in my year long jaunt into the world of dieting, and thanks to the advice of some great calorie counters on MCC (My-Calorie-Counter.com, which has since been taken over by "Everyday Health" - so not the same), is that you will have "bad" diet days, weeks, months, and even years... but what matters is an overall trend towards the good. An overall movement away from the unhealthy and towards the healthy.
And so I'm back!
After a delicious and indulgent meal with Z (beardo, the love of my life) and his family at Outback Steakhouse (blooming onionnnn!) around New Years 2009, I stepped on the scale and saw 231. I then , after a bout of crying and self loathing that lasted days (kidding), I promptly dove back into the gym & food notebook way of life, and am so happy to say that this morning the scale smiled coyly back at me with a 200.5 :)
Welcome to my blog, I hope you find some way to connect and relate as I try to sort out this craziness with my relationship with food and my body, and see that you, perhaps in all your neuroses, quirks, and flaws, are not alone in this mission to lose weight / feel better / get healthier / whatever your goal might be.
So make this a good day, be good to yourself and your body, and thanks for reading.
xoxo
Becky
